Shinimi (死荷美)
The prisoner of the past.
Shinimi is a shadow wisp that originally comes from the world named Renëm. He's distant and somewhat a loner, who due to past experiences has a hard time fitting into the world around him. He's trying his best to find reasons to keep going in this life, but stuggles in doing so.
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Name origin; Japan.
Meaning; "Shini" means death and "mi" means beauty, chosen because it reflects some of his beliefs and some of his feelings. It's pronounced "shI-nIh-mIh". Gender; Male ♂ Species; Shadow wisp Birthday; January 6 Age; 18 years old Zodiac sign; The Capricorn Relationship; None, single. He's heterosexual. Siblings; Maeko (they are not related by blood though, they merely deem one and another as a sibling) Parents; N/A Friends; Maeko Occupation; In a high school where he studies media.
Theme song; "Sound of Surviving" by Nichole Nordeman |
"I am a mere shadow, carrying all that you never wished to see, never wished to feel. I am but pain and sorrow; I am the greatest part of your very soul. I am no one."
Biography
Everything originates from darkness. As do I. Though, I have always wondered why I came to be a part of you, thus I always question that same thing over and over again. Why didn’t I become my own person? I became something else instead … Somewhere deep down, I really wish to know … While the other part does not wish to know. For I am afraid. I fear the unknown that is draped in shadows.
Yes, I do. Even though I am nothing but a mere shadow. I am a part of your deepest and uttermost thoughts. That is all.
I come to you in the dark, whisper in your ear; make you speak about all of your fears. I get inside you like a leach. Sucking out every ounce of pain. Take it away, bury it inside of me; carrying it for you. After all, we are one. I am you and you are me. I am your darkness manifested into a shadow.
A shadow whispering in the dark.
It must have started with that person, the one who turned your light life into hell. The one who took everything you ever held dear. That person who you came to hate, I was born because of them. I came to keep you safe; after seeing your pain from somewhere deep within where I had been asleep since your birth - waiting for the day you needed me. I watched you get caught more and more in the darkness, I saw your green eyes fog up with tears as you tried to survive in an environment of feelings you had no control over. Feelings you never once had felt before.
I tried to save you.
Part by part I took the pain away, made you tell me everything and erase it from the surface to bury it deep within you and me. That pain, that darkness, became our core. We survived because of the pain and managed to keep up one of those endless fake smiles. Nothing to worry about, is it now?
For years we suffered because of them. They put us through hell. The words they spoke about us in our face and behind our back. The hits and pushes into walls. We took it all, smiled it away while I buried the pain with the rest in our core. We were broken, we became a nameless being who only took the breaths; but forgot why they lived. We were at the edge of dying from all the pain this world put us through.
The hits and pushes stopped, the words ceased to be. The pain was still there in the darkness of me. We were together still, keeping each other alive one day at a time. We went from being the hated, unwanted and ugly thing they had named us to be; the freak … Into being a spirit. The new “they” spirited us away, making us invisible. It was more painful. You couldn’t take it, I could see it. I tried to keep you alive, did my best to bury the pain away with illusions of what little I could find that felt good. I told you to try once more to become someone, create a new self based on what little we had left to call “I”.
You cried in the night as always to make the pain go away. I merely watched, feeling nothing but your pain. You wished for everything to be over, just like you did years ago when the voices stopped you from leaving this world behind. You kept on whispering to the night:
“I cannot take this any longer.“
Somewhere along the way you decided to hear my begging for you to try one last time. It was a mere two and a half years left until your second chance to break free would come. I told you to become someone in secret, out of sight. Slowly but steadily. Someone you could be proud of. Someone that felt you. You gave in, and I kept on hiding your pain, your shame of failing and not wishing for your mother to see it. We hid it all away in our core again. We lied for two and a half years, we became some of the best liars during those years. Lie with a smile and have constant access to music, it works. It hides the pain away. Until you can let it out in the dark of the night. Where we could break together.
I broke too, you know. It was painful to see you suffer for so long when none of us ever knew why. We were in the dark of everything, waiting for a better day to come.
Yes, I do. Even though I am nothing but a mere shadow. I am a part of your deepest and uttermost thoughts. That is all.
I come to you in the dark, whisper in your ear; make you speak about all of your fears. I get inside you like a leach. Sucking out every ounce of pain. Take it away, bury it inside of me; carrying it for you. After all, we are one. I am you and you are me. I am your darkness manifested into a shadow.
A shadow whispering in the dark.
It must have started with that person, the one who turned your light life into hell. The one who took everything you ever held dear. That person who you came to hate, I was born because of them. I came to keep you safe; after seeing your pain from somewhere deep within where I had been asleep since your birth - waiting for the day you needed me. I watched you get caught more and more in the darkness, I saw your green eyes fog up with tears as you tried to survive in an environment of feelings you had no control over. Feelings you never once had felt before.
I tried to save you.
Part by part I took the pain away, made you tell me everything and erase it from the surface to bury it deep within you and me. That pain, that darkness, became our core. We survived because of the pain and managed to keep up one of those endless fake smiles. Nothing to worry about, is it now?
For years we suffered because of them. They put us through hell. The words they spoke about us in our face and behind our back. The hits and pushes into walls. We took it all, smiled it away while I buried the pain with the rest in our core. We were broken, we became a nameless being who only took the breaths; but forgot why they lived. We were at the edge of dying from all the pain this world put us through.
The hits and pushes stopped, the words ceased to be. The pain was still there in the darkness of me. We were together still, keeping each other alive one day at a time. We went from being the hated, unwanted and ugly thing they had named us to be; the freak … Into being a spirit. The new “they” spirited us away, making us invisible. It was more painful. You couldn’t take it, I could see it. I tried to keep you alive, did my best to bury the pain away with illusions of what little I could find that felt good. I told you to try once more to become someone, create a new self based on what little we had left to call “I”.
You cried in the night as always to make the pain go away. I merely watched, feeling nothing but your pain. You wished for everything to be over, just like you did years ago when the voices stopped you from leaving this world behind. You kept on whispering to the night:
“I cannot take this any longer.“
Somewhere along the way you decided to hear my begging for you to try one last time. It was a mere two and a half years left until your second chance to break free would come. I told you to become someone in secret, out of sight. Slowly but steadily. Someone you could be proud of. Someone that felt you. You gave in, and I kept on hiding your pain, your shame of failing and not wishing for your mother to see it. We hid it all away in our core again. We lied for two and a half years, we became some of the best liars during those years. Lie with a smile and have constant access to music, it works. It hides the pain away. Until you can let it out in the dark of the night. Where we could break together.
I broke too, you know. It was painful to see you suffer for so long when none of us ever knew why. We were in the dark of everything, waiting for a better day to come.
Personality
Loner | Cold hearted | Anxiety | Stubborn | Easily hurt
Shinimi is a loner; he sticks to his own business and doesn’t speak unless spoken to. He wants little to nothing to do with people around himself and will do everything to avoid them. One could say he has social anxiety and a very deep depression even though he’s never been diagnosed with it. He’s afraid of people and somewhat concerned with what they think about him whenever they see him, yet at the same time he gives little thought to others opinions about him. He’s himself at all times and believes he shouldn’t have to change in order for others to accept him. Sadly his confidence could have been better, for he’s constantly thinking he’s not good enough. Constantly thinking he’s doing things wrong and that everyone looks down on him. Overall he has very high demands on himself and will never be pleased with anything at all; because he always deems himself and what he does as if he’s not good enough – ever.
Due to his fear of people he’s not one to treat others very good. He barely will look someone in the eyes, barely stays around others if possible. Whenever he is; they will receive a very cold-hearted treatment and he will act as distantly and harsh towards them as possible. Everything to make sure no one is feeling a need to get close to him. He doesn’t want to let people know him and he doesn’t want to give others a reason to try to get close to him. To him having others close - is a weakness. And those close are always the ones to hurt him the most. Only a selected few has ever managed to get past all of his coldness to see him for what he is underneath all his rudeness.
Through his entire rough surface he’s still a very weak and insecure person. He has huge trust issues and those are the greatest cause for him to be so distant and cold-hearted. He’s easily hurt and overall very fragile. He can’t even take jokes on his expense as a joke, because he will still feel like it’s not a joke; but the reality. Truly he knows he shouldn’t care about it, seeing how he treats others to make sure they don’t want to deal with him. But when it all comes down to it, he doesn’t ever do anything for the sake of hurting someone, all he does at the most is to keep them away by acting distantly and cold towards those in his surroundings. It is his way to protect himself from the pain he fears that people will cause him at one point or another.
He’s stubborn and doesn’t easily give up; he will keep going no matter what the cost. That goes for everything, both things he does and if something in his life is hard – which it usually is. He believes its no use giving up for anything or anyone; in one way or another, things will turn out okay even if it’s hard. No one can be unlucky enough to be bad at something or having a bad life all their lifetime – is his opinion. Surely he will give in sometimes and be trapped in despair for some time, believing there’s no way out and suffer for quite some time because of it. But sooner or later he’s out of it again.
However, he always ends up in the darkness a short while after because of something happening or something caused by his own doing. Trapped within thoughts and feelings he has no control over. And in all honesty, he’s trapped more than what he’s free. Yet somehow he’s able to still keep his stubbornness and keep on trying to make things alright.
He’s truly not someone who gives up even when things are hard.
Due to his fear of people he’s not one to treat others very good. He barely will look someone in the eyes, barely stays around others if possible. Whenever he is; they will receive a very cold-hearted treatment and he will act as distantly and harsh towards them as possible. Everything to make sure no one is feeling a need to get close to him. He doesn’t want to let people know him and he doesn’t want to give others a reason to try to get close to him. To him having others close - is a weakness. And those close are always the ones to hurt him the most. Only a selected few has ever managed to get past all of his coldness to see him for what he is underneath all his rudeness.
Through his entire rough surface he’s still a very weak and insecure person. He has huge trust issues and those are the greatest cause for him to be so distant and cold-hearted. He’s easily hurt and overall very fragile. He can’t even take jokes on his expense as a joke, because he will still feel like it’s not a joke; but the reality. Truly he knows he shouldn’t care about it, seeing how he treats others to make sure they don’t want to deal with him. But when it all comes down to it, he doesn’t ever do anything for the sake of hurting someone, all he does at the most is to keep them away by acting distantly and cold towards those in his surroundings. It is his way to protect himself from the pain he fears that people will cause him at one point or another.
He’s stubborn and doesn’t easily give up; he will keep going no matter what the cost. That goes for everything, both things he does and if something in his life is hard – which it usually is. He believes its no use giving up for anything or anyone; in one way or another, things will turn out okay even if it’s hard. No one can be unlucky enough to be bad at something or having a bad life all their lifetime – is his opinion. Surely he will give in sometimes and be trapped in despair for some time, believing there’s no way out and suffer for quite some time because of it. But sooner or later he’s out of it again.
However, he always ends up in the darkness a short while after because of something happening or something caused by his own doing. Trapped within thoughts and feelings he has no control over. And in all honesty, he’s trapped more than what he’s free. Yet somehow he’s able to still keep his stubbornness and keep on trying to make things alright.
He’s truly not someone who gives up even when things are hard.
Playlist
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Shinimi's playlist is partly meant to reflect his personality, but also to show what music he likes and listen to mostly. Of course he does listen to songs other than those on this playlist, but these are the ones he likes the most.
The playlist can be found on both [ Spotify ] and [ youtube ] . |
The future and the past views
No matter how much he may try, no matter how much he never gives up. In truth, Shinimi doesn't really see a future for himself. It's all draped within darkness and he sees no path for himself to travel down. It's sad, but being in the amount of pain that he has, comes at a great price. As for the past, he's the one running from it, trying to ignore it and not to face it. But the harder you try to escape it, the more it asks for attention and is remembered.
Philosophy on life and death
He's really scared of thinking about both the life he's living in ways he wish he wouldn't. And about what the death may bring him. Surely he's been close to giving up on his life every so often, but at the same time he's frightened to the point where he can't handle the fear about what may happen after his last breath. If it hurts, if it feels cold, if it feels empty or if he simply will feel nothing at all, never waking up again ... Those are things he never wants to know. He knows fully well that a last day is what we all are awaiting, but he still hopes to somehow avoid it. Hoping to somehow live forever.
Quirks
♦ Shinimi will every so often make odd noises. Like snapping his fingers, making "click" noises with his tongue or "plop" noises with his lips pressed together tightly and then letting them loose. This is something he often does without even realizing he is doing it and people around him will often find it rather odd and disturbing.
♦ Whenever he eats pasta and meatballs, he will always finish all the meatballs first and save as much pasta as possible to eat after the meatballs are all gone. This is because he always found the fabric made meatballs disgusting ... And because he used to play with the pasta and meatballs when he was a kid, pretending they were different types of dinosaurs.
♦ He doesn't believe in any gods even though he has some interest in the gods of ancient Egypt. But he believes in the three very important words that the creators of the lego sets by the name BIONICLE created for that world. Unity, duty and destiny. Those three words are what he tries to have as his guidelines in life.
♦ Whenever he eats pasta and meatballs, he will always finish all the meatballs first and save as much pasta as possible to eat after the meatballs are all gone. This is because he always found the fabric made meatballs disgusting ... And because he used to play with the pasta and meatballs when he was a kid, pretending they were different types of dinosaurs.
♦ He doesn't believe in any gods even though he has some interest in the gods of ancient Egypt. But he believes in the three very important words that the creators of the lego sets by the name BIONICLE created for that world. Unity, duty and destiny. Those three words are what he tries to have as his guidelines in life.
Likes
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Dislikes
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Deeper knowledge about Shinimi
Darkest Secret ...
At the age of 10 was it his first time to consider committing suicide. He had planned it all how it would take place and was alone at home. Ready to do it. As he took the first step over the fence on the French balcony, leaning over so far that he could see the ground far below ... He started to hesitate. Wondering if it really was his fault that he wasn't welcome in this world. And at that point he started hearing the voices of his imaginary friends, asking him if he had forgotten about the three dignities. Asking him if he had forgotten about them. He promised them that he hadn't, and they convinced him to turn back and turn to them once again if he ever needed help. So he did, and after that he never dared to try committing suicide after that; even though he time and time again after that day still wished to die.
At the age of 10 was it his first time to consider committing suicide. He had planned it all how it would take place and was alone at home. Ready to do it. As he took the first step over the fence on the French balcony, leaning over so far that he could see the ground far below ... He started to hesitate. Wondering if it really was his fault that he wasn't welcome in this world. And at that point he started hearing the voices of his imaginary friends, asking him if he had forgotten about the three dignities. Asking him if he had forgotten about them. He promised them that he hadn't, and they convinced him to turn back and turn to them once again if he ever needed help. So he did, and after that he never dared to try committing suicide after that; even though he time and time again after that day still wished to die.
Most treasured memory ...
The winter when the snow still came to the world and covered it in its whiteness. He would often take a walk with his family dog and go out on the ice that covered the lake. They would play together in the snow for hours at end. Though the cold was intense back in those days, they wouldn't get cold. For both of them enjoyed the snow so much. Making snowmen and snow angels together. Just playing and having fun. Those were the days that Shinimi truly could smile back then. Sadly those days ended a couple of years later, along with the death of his dog.
The winter when the snow still came to the world and covered it in its whiteness. He would often take a walk with his family dog and go out on the ice that covered the lake. They would play together in the snow for hours at end. Though the cold was intense back in those days, they wouldn't get cold. For both of them enjoyed the snow so much. Making snowmen and snow angels together. Just playing and having fun. Those were the days that Shinimi truly could smile back then. Sadly those days ended a couple of years later, along with the death of his dog.
Evening person or Morning person
To be fair, he can be both, but he very much prefers the evening. He loves watching the stars and to try seeing the planets the few times they're viewable with the bare eye.
To be fair, he can be both, but he very much prefers the evening. He loves watching the stars and to try seeing the planets the few times they're viewable with the bare eye.
Good habits
He will always do his best to keep his promises. Talents/skills/strenghts Though he doesn't see it himself because he's too hard on himself, but he has a strength in sports and skill even though he's not particularly fond of sports. And tends to have a way of writing his song lyrics that makes people feel something when they read and/or hear it. Hopes and dreams He used to hope and dream to someday become an archeologist. But then he was told it wasn't good enough and all the dinosaurs would be gone by the time he had educated himself fully. So he changed his mind and instead decided that he hopes to become an author and songwriter. Best quality Even if he's been treated bad by someone, he won't let anyone else suffer or be alone. So he will let said person be with him until the friends who's treating that person bad at the time, will accept them again. Though, he won't let said person too close to him and may still treat them slightly coldly and distantly. What he wants For someone to tell him what he ever did to deserve the sudden disrespectful treatment and to suddenly be bullied. Or rather ... What that person said and did to make those who were his dearest friends to turn against him in a matter of a week. Shinimi sees himself as ... Weak, sensitive and indifferent. Most valued possession His portable CD (his family was too poor to give him an MP3 or phone with MP3 when everyone else got that, so he got a portable CD after everyone stopped using theirs, but he kept on using it even after getting a phone with MP3). And of course, his teddybear that he has had since he was born. Most proud accomplishment The time when he was a kid and had learned the named of every planet in the Milky Way, their positions and their sizes compared to each other. As well as the names of the most common dinosaurs of each era. He is motivated by ... The thought of not wishing to spend the rest of his days in pain. He wishes to relive the happy ones, but as in new and fresh days and not the past ones. He believes that he should be worthy of such days - that everyone should be worthy of such days. |
Bad habits
He's really hard on himself and will often put himself down, since most people already do that towards him. Thus he has little to no confidence and when people praise him for things he does - he will rarely believe they're telling him the truth. Weaknesses/clumsiness He enjoys to sing, but he's not very good at it and has taken no music lessons what so ever. Same goes for instruments, he likes them and would love to learn how to play them, but he's not very good at it. He often draws how he would like his house or apartment to be when he moves away from home, but he has no clue how to actually someday be at the point of being able to get there. Fears and nightmares To never know what he ought to do with his life, for he sees no future for himself. He has doubts to ever make it as an author or songwriter, because he knows fully well how hard it is and that he won't be able to make a living on it. It frightens him a lot that he doesn't know what he wants to work with that can give him a good enough income. Greatest flaw Whenever he feel too hurt or sad, he will always withdraw even further away from the world around him. He will shut himself off, putting on loud music in his headset in an attempt to cure the aching. He's never tried to deal with the cause of the hurting, he simply tries to run from it. What he doesn't want Watch scary movies, ever. He refuses to. He gets too bad nightmares from it and would very much like to get what little sleep he can. And on the more serious side, he doesn't want to be like everyone else, even though he knows that he never will be accepted for who he is. Others see Shinimi as ... Easy to make use of and make fun of, good at sports, weird and childish. Greatest failure He used to never want anyone to be left alone. So he befriended most people who seemed lonely when he was young. One of them was a person who was new in town. They quickly became best friends ... But after some time he noticed how this person treated him. Making threats and tried to be the one to "rule" or being the "boss". He gave in due to the threats. After he got back to school from being sick for a week, everything had changed. The dear friends he had before and the person he thought was his best friend didn't speak to him at all. That "friend" had turned into a monster because he didn't deal with them correctly from the start. |
Favourites
Colour; Green.
Objects; Stones with embedded gems, fossils, large headsets and BIONICLE figures. Book series; Narnia, Harry Potter and The black crystal. Movie; Any old classic Disney movie and movies he grew up with. Artist/Band; Vocaloid, Delta Goodrem, Imogen Heap, Bullet for my Valentine and Nightwish. Song; He deems all songs he listen to as his favourite because he can’t decide upon just one. Music genre; Techno and rock. Anime; Yu-Gi-Oh and Darker Than Black. TV-series; The unknown. Animal; He likes most animals, but prefers reptiles overall. Clothes; He doesn't give much thought to what he wears as long as it's comfortable, but he prefer either big hoodies, t-shirts, jeans, street shoes or converse and big headsets combined. Or shirts instead of the hoodies. Game; Super Mario Bro's 3 and the legend of Spyro. Website; youtube.com, hogwarts.nu, dragcave.net, dragonadopters.com and djur.nu Thing to do; Listen to music, read books, daydream, play games, watch movies or anime, writing and dancing. |
Food; Taco or pizza.
Candy; Chocolate and anything sour. Place; Alone in the forests or at home. Country; Egypt Day; Tuesday Decade/Year; Around 2500 BC and the Jurassic period of the Dinosaurs time on Earth. Weather; Sunny days when it's neither too hot nor too cold. Holiday; New years Season; The winter. Sport; If dance is counted as a sport he'd say that. If not, nothing. He's not a person who's interested in sports. School subject; Graphic design Personal quote; “No pain, no game.” Quote; “You know what? Yes, I've changed. I'm not as nice as I used to be, because I don't want to get used or walked over. I don't trust everyone and tell them my secrets, because behind every fake smile; there's a backstabber. I distance myself from people because in the end, they're only going to leave. I've changed because I have realized that I'm the only person I can depend on.” |
Gallery of illustrations
Gallery of writing
Even though I still want to call out, no sound has ever been heard from my throat so dry.
I’m the silence coming from the darkness. I’m what you fear because I’m always there. Even if you never have known that I am here and always have been. I am right here, right now, this very moment.
Ever since that day so long ago that you have tried every day to neglect, tried to forget.
Within despair I was born, from it I grew; because you refused to call out for help. I came to you that very same moment when that indescribable feeling the world calls “pain” struck you the first time.
I am you and you are me, we are one and the same and cannot live without the other part. We are one just like we were back then and the past years that you’ve tried to break free have all been in vain. I shall haunt you forever more, which is what I vowed the very moment I was born.
I am a mere shadow, carrying all that you never wished to see, never wished to feel. I am but pain and sorrow; I am the greatest part of your very soul. I am no one.
I’m the silence coming from the darkness. I’m what you fear because I’m always there. Even if you never have known that I am here and always have been. I am right here, right now, this very moment.
Ever since that day so long ago that you have tried every day to neglect, tried to forget.
Within despair I was born, from it I grew; because you refused to call out for help. I came to you that very same moment when that indescribable feeling the world calls “pain” struck you the first time.
I am you and you are me, we are one and the same and cannot live without the other part. We are one just like we were back then and the past years that you’ve tried to break free have all been in vain. I shall haunt you forever more, which is what I vowed the very moment I was born.
I am a mere shadow, carrying all that you never wished to see, never wished to feel. I am but pain and sorrow; I am the greatest part of your very soul. I am no one.