Most of all I fear the thoughts which has crossed my mind more than once since last week when I got hurt almost every day at work. I love clearing the planting areas from weeds that aren't meant to be there. I love cutting bushes. I love planting plants. I love everything about working outdoors with gardening - which is why it is my dream job. Half of my current job is that, and since the person I work with doesn't like being in the dirt and removing weeds all day - I get to do it. Which I at first was so happy about. But after last week I'm not so sure anymore, for at this rate I will start hating something I love. Since I got hurt due to not having all the things I'm used to having while doing my job. I'm used to having proper tools. I'm used to having a tractor or having someone else with a tractor close by that I can throw the weeds and other things I remove on. I suppose I might have been very spoiled at my previous jobs. Because now I don't. All I've got is a car and a bucket that doesn't fit all I can clear and me having to go empty it every 30 minutes isn't very affective. Not to mention getting it up and into the car when it's heavy as fuck (pardon my choice of words).
I've tried mentioning it to some people who I had hoped would understand. Two did. The other two who could make a difference did not. The two men who agreed with me that it's painful and it doesn't matter if you are a man or not; you can't do it for as long as you need to clear the weeds and you need to have a tractor to put less of a strain on your body as you work. The two women who didn't understand works in the office, one of them even lives on a farm so I thought that she if anyone would understand it ... Alas she did not. All she said was that I had to let the others at work come and pick up the bucket or trash bags that I now put the weeds in if I can't lift it up myself. I got pissed. I'm not that weak. I mean, I don't have many issues with my looks since I have accepted what I've got and that I will not change it and am fine with it. But the one issue I do have, is my upper arms. They are very large. And not from fat, but from muscles. I'm very tiny in length, thus people doesn't take me as very strong - even though I truly am stronger than what people believe I am. So really, my strength isn't my issue just because I'm small in size compared to the rest of the men I work with. The issue is the working environment which is possible to improve to put less of a strain on my body and avoid lifting such a large amount which really shouldn't be needed in this matter - when really I could just put everything into the trail or whatever I may have on the tractor right away. Plus I would save so much more time since I wouldn't have to go away and empty my bucket every 30 minutes when it's full and not even't be able to fit everything I can clear during those 30 minutes into the bucket.
Plus, if I were to say that I can't clear the weeds because someone else has to come and carry it up into the car for me, would most definitely mean that I won't get to keep my job.
My neck which I've got problems with and which is permanently damaged for the rest of my life since the car accident nearly two years ago (and walked around for more than half a year in pain because of it); can easily fall back into the hurting if I work incorrectly and with the wrong ergonomi. It's hurting again. And it's gone even worse over the days since last week, I were supposed to clean here at home - but I'm unable to because I'm too exhausted from the pain. And I don't ever want to go back to that pain on full time ever again, it's one of the most dreadful types of pain that I know.
Ever since I got home, all I've done is to cry. I know it doesn't change a thing and I know it's not the solution for the issue. But at least I can let my feelings out when no one sees or hear me. Both from the pain which has really bothered me today and made me emotionally unstable. Both from me having thoughts that I need to apply for other jobs instead, and it's so exhausting and frustrating to do it, especially when and if you already loose too much strength at work from things which aren't all that great, have a household to care for and deadlines to keep.
Part of me don't want to have to switch jobs again. But I don't think I'm brave enough to dare saying something again to someone who could make a difference at work, since I fear that I only will get to hear that "you can't do it since you're weak and not a large man with loads of muscles". When that, as said, isn't the issue. Surely I'm not as strong as men. But neither am I weak so I can't do it. It's ergonomically incorrect to work the way I did last week - and that I know for a fact since I've taken many courses over the years and know how I ought to work personally because of the damage in my neck and how everyone should work no matter what gender they have.
So yes, all in all, I'm scared and I have had those thoughts about trying to get a new job again ... But at the same time I wouldn't know what job that would be. Since I know it is insanely hard to get a job as a gardener. Because everyone who applies for them here believes it's a simple job, you can slack off and do nothing without anyone noticing, can sit in a tractor and play with the phone all day long without lifting a muscle and so forth. And those are usually the ones getting the jobs because they're older and have more experience than me, so that I who want to actually work and refuse to sit still and do nothing all day, have no chance.