So I went ahead to ask the company I'm currently working at if they have a job as a gardener to offer me instead, else I'm gonna leave (even though I honestly in some ways don't want to. Like the part with if I just change job within the company - I won't have to be jobless later if they believe I'm not good enough. And in terms of it being some people and the clothes and such that I very much want to keep being with and keep having) ... And my boss seems to not be very keen on letting me stay and work as a gardener. Honestly I feel like he can suit himself then; because he cannot blame me when he's the one choosing to try getting four new people asap and not just three. For if I leave; I'm gonna leave by the end of next week and have vacation until I start my new job at August 13. So he'd have to put someone at my job by the next few weeks. If I get to stay as a gardener however, I'm just gonna take vacation during the three weeks I've said I will, which are week 30-32. And then when I've had those three weeks vacation, start as a gardener.
So yeah, it's honestly up to my boss how he would want it and how much work he wants to do. And as far as I'm aware he's the kind of man who wants as little as possible to do since he's getting old. For me it does not matter at this point. I have managed to get through the worst moments in not wanting to leave the company, but I've come to terms with that I'm so done.
For too long I've suffered. For too long I've been at my breakingpoint, but still kept trying. For too long I've tried and tried and tried. For too long I've felt dead instead. I refuse to keep living the way I have for the past year, for I have had enough trying to pretend I'm fine. I'm completely done with the fourth chapter of my life and I'm ready to begin chapter five. How I begin it, is up to my boss and if he cannot (or says that he has "no other job" to) give me an answer by the afternoon on this upcoming Tuesday, I will accept the job offer I got at the other company.
My mind is made up and I'm ready to take my chance to be happy and feel alive again.