My job wasn't meant for me, as I suspected from the very beginning I took the wrong path which wasn't meant for me. And now it's done. I've had a late vacation. I have had time to think, relax, be stressed out and have been a tad lost. Not really knowing which role or part I am meant to play in this world we live in. I suspect I don't belong in the crowd at all to be fair.
I have now come to terms with that I shall focus even more on my interests that circles around the nature and creating in my spare time. I shall strive to evolve, grow and embrace the oddities that makes me "me". I intend to start out small, but I shall make a small handicrafts business and I shall move forth with my business as a photographer - for I have found my calling and what I'm meant to do.
I've got a new job starting on Monday next week, still pretty much the same stuff to do each day as in my previous jobs - for it is a gardener I want to still keep growing as. So I turned down the job offer of becoming the boss at another company since I felt I'm not quite ready for such a position yet.
My apartment is sold, I'm giving up on this city life that I have been pretending to live for most of my life. The city life that never has been me, and has become even more clear over the past years. I don't belong in the stressfulness and noice of the city. I don't fit in. My mindset is too far from that of the people around me. And I simply feel like an outcast, turning to the few insects and animals who tries to live in the large city too in order to find some sort of comfort.
I am moving to my very own house. It will be hard, it will be lots to do because it's been left to neglect due to its previous owner who loved it dearly got sick. I have chosen a life which is very unlike the lives that other people here in Sweden live. I won't have running water, I won't have a bathroom, no washing machine or dishwasher, I won't have any high-tech heating system, I won't have fibre to connect to the internet. I have chosen to give up most of those things, in order to get the life I long to live. It will be hard on me, being born and raised with the modern standard of Swedish society. I will, however, have electricity - that is the only thing which doesn't belong to the standards they had back in 1838 when the house was built.
I am also prepared that I might not be able to live there this upcoming winter, if I'm unlucky. Since I'm not sure how much heat the house will be able to contain and keep indoors. The roof needs to be looked through and renovated quite urgently and the windows needs some more isolation. And the attic isn't isolated or in a livable condition at all since they only used the attics for drying clothes once upon a time. So I fear my little love (my snake), might get a hard time living there - unless the house proves me completely wrong these first few months before the winter comes. I mean perhaps it keeps the heat even better than what my apartment does. Of course my goal is to live there full time, even if it will take some time to get there, but I'm not in a hurry ... Because it's the place I feel like I belong and the place I've been looking for to call "home". I call it "home" already - and I don't even live there yet.
I long for October even more, it's my favourite month of the year always has been. And it's the month I'm moving. I still have lots of papework to do before then (and need to start packing the boxes) and I need to rent a small truck in order to move my things all in one go to the house, but I'm looking forward to the greatest change in my life.