Which in its own way hurts. Because I don't want to. The lunchroom I used to take my breaks in, I am no longer allowed to be in and I haven been constantly sick since I was kicked out from it and had to eat in another lunchroom instead. I have such huge trouble feeling relaxed, I can't calm down and I don't feel at ease. Partly because the few people who made it possible to both feel calm and at ease during the breaks, I am no longer allowed to see nor speak to. And I miss them quite dearly. So now I never take the breakfast break, which probably isn't that healthy to skip, but I still do because I simply can't get myself to out myself through feeling more sick to my belly.
With that change of having to eat and be someplace else; I no longer feel a need to get up in the morning, because I know that all I will get from being at work is more pain and sickness to my belly. I'm honestly not meant to clean day in and day out. I am meant for more.
As for my apartment, I live there now. All alone and on my own. But it's far from done and far from a home. I have learned to feel okay being here. However, me who usually liked to be alone, feel utterly lonely. As if I have nothing and no one at all. I speak to myself, I speak to my plants and I even say goodnight to my apartment as if it could speak. Yes, I might not be quite sane. I like it here, sometimes I don't, but overall I believe it will do for a few years to come if things stay the way they are right now.
Sadly I don't sleep well at all. I've never once slept the entire night through without waking up here. I always wake up, either from bad dreams or for what I'd say is "no reason at all" ... Unknown reasons. I miss the ghosts, at least they gave me a reason to be awake at night. Now I just lie there in the darkness waiting for the dawn to rise anew.
I try to clear my mind by hiking in the forests and by photographing every here and there. Trying the best I can not to think about all the bad things that has been going on in my life and trying to see what little light I have around me.
I'm trying not to be scared of people who lives in the entrancehalls I clean at work, but it's pretty hard not to be scared when some are following you and watching you because they mean you harm. Sometimes my kindness really do backfire on me in horrible ways. I need to learn not to be so kind to everyone I meet, else I'm gonna end up getting myself hurt.
Positive things
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