The description for each step is on chicken smoothie though, since it's with the tools available in the oekaki painter.
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I painted some digitally yesterday, or well doodled. For the first time in forever, I can also say. I realized a few days ago that I never made the tutorial of how I paint nebulas back in 2013 when I first had planned on doing it. Once upon a time I got many questions about it. So here it is at last, years later.
The description for each step is on chicken smoothie though, since it's with the tools available in the oekaki painter.
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Oh hello again. I lost the password for my site here and I have been lacking the time as always ... What a surprise ... Not really!
This year has been a bumpy ride. Ever since I got the keys to my beloved house. I have done so many things that I haven't done before. I have seen so many things that my eyes couldn't fully grasp them and dear Lords of mine, what a massive job I have ahead of me! 20 years of neglect has put its markings on the buildings. Both in condition and amount of things buried within their bodies. I truly have my work cut out. Perhaps I was so caught up in the feeling of "being home at last" that I only saw past all the mess and didn't see how much work I needed to get through in order to get there ... I can admit that I don't quite live in my house yet. I believe it will be no earlier than 2022 that I can do it, if things go according to plans - which they really never do. Until then I only live there during the summer. I'm a little less than halfway done with emptying the buildings from trash and broken things. The roof isn't leaking in at the main building anymore (three roofs to go) and I've managed to clear out a huge part of the garden to make it look less abandoned. I'm getting there slowly and now it's the time of the year to get back to sorting through the things inside and not building or fixing the garden. So perhaps I can finish the sorting-phase during 2021 if I'm lucky. I've been having a huge writing-flow this year and written a lot, sadly not anything for this site to be honest ... Now I am at a writer's block again I think. But instead I feel like painting a lot. My thoughts about starting my own company has not yet happened, right now I don't really have a need for it anyway since I lack so much time when it comes to restoring my future home. My thoughts about publishing another book has not yet died. I'm at the finishing point with part one, though now the problem is my picky taste with the cover and finding someone who can do it the way I want it to be. I thought I had decided and could have it done by this winter ... But I realized too late that they couldn't do the cover the way I intended for it to be. So I guess that's what my life is right now ... A messy stressful and still joyful time. Hello my little neglected corner in the world wide webb, I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that I haven't been very alive and all my goals got torn apart for a while.
My job wasn't meant for me, as I suspected from the very beginning I took the wrong path which wasn't meant for me. And now it's done. I've had a late vacation. I have had time to think, relax, be stressed out and have been a tad lost. Not really knowing which role or part I am meant to play in this world we live in. I suspect I don't belong in the crowd at all to be fair. I have now come to terms with that I shall focus even more on my interests that circles around the nature and creating in my spare time. I shall strive to evolve, grow and embrace the oddities that makes me "me". I intend to start out small, but I shall make a small handicrafts business and I shall move forth with my business as a photographer - for I have found my calling and what I'm meant to do. I've got a new job starting on Monday next week, still pretty much the same stuff to do each day as in my previous jobs - for it is a gardener I want to still keep growing as. So I turned down the job offer of becoming the boss at another company since I felt I'm not quite ready for such a position yet. My apartment is sold, I'm giving up on this city life that I have been pretending to live for most of my life. The city life that never has been me, and has become even more clear over the past years. I don't belong in the stressfulness and noice of the city. I don't fit in. My mindset is too far from that of the people around me. And I simply feel like an outcast, turning to the few insects and animals who tries to live in the large city too in order to find some sort of comfort. I am moving to my very own house. It will be hard, it will be lots to do because it's been left to neglect due to its previous owner who loved it dearly got sick. I have chosen a life which is very unlike the lives that other people here in Sweden live. I won't have running water, I won't have a bathroom, no washing machine or dishwasher, I won't have any high-tech heating system, I won't have fibre to connect to the internet. I have chosen to give up most of those things, in order to get the life I long to live. It will be hard on me, being born and raised with the modern standard of Swedish society. I will, however, have electricity - that is the only thing which doesn't belong to the standards they had back in 1838 when the house was built. I am also prepared that I might not be able to live there this upcoming winter, if I'm unlucky. Since I'm not sure how much heat the house will be able to contain and keep indoors. The roof needs to be looked through and renovated quite urgently and the windows needs some more isolation. And the attic isn't isolated or in a livable condition at all since they only used the attics for drying clothes once upon a time. So I fear my little love (my snake), might get a hard time living there - unless the house proves me completely wrong these first few months before the winter comes. I mean perhaps it keeps the heat even better than what my apartment does. Of course my goal is to live there full time, even if it will take some time to get there, but I'm not in a hurry ... Because it's the place I feel like I belong and the place I've been looking for to call "home". I call it "home" already - and I don't even live there yet. I long for October even more, it's my favourite month of the year always has been. And it's the month I'm moving. I still have lots of papework to do before then (and need to start packing the boxes) and I need to rent a small truck in order to move my things all in one go to the house, but I'm looking forward to the greatest change in my life. I am scared. I feel sad.
Most of all I fear the thoughts which has crossed my mind more than once since last week when I got hurt almost every day at work. I love clearing the planting areas from weeds that aren't meant to be there. I love cutting bushes. I love planting plants. I love everything about working outdoors with gardening - which is why it is my dream job. Half of my current job is that, and since the person I work with doesn't like being in the dirt and removing weeds all day - I get to do it. Which I at first was so happy about. But after last week I'm not so sure anymore, for at this rate I will start hating something I love. Since I got hurt due to not having all the things I'm used to having while doing my job. I'm used to having proper tools. I'm used to having a tractor or having someone else with a tractor close by that I can throw the weeds and other things I remove on. I suppose I might have been very spoiled at my previous jobs. Because now I don't. All I've got is a car and a bucket that doesn't fit all I can clear and me having to go empty it every 30 minutes isn't very affective. Not to mention getting it up and into the car when it's heavy as fuck (pardon my choice of words). I've tried mentioning it to some people who I had hoped would understand. Two did. The other two who could make a difference did not. The two men who agreed with me that it's painful and it doesn't matter if you are a man or not; you can't do it for as long as you need to clear the weeds and you need to have a tractor to put less of a strain on your body as you work. The two women who didn't understand works in the office, one of them even lives on a farm so I thought that she if anyone would understand it ... Alas she did not. All she said was that I had to let the others at work come and pick up the bucket or trash bags that I now put the weeds in if I can't lift it up myself. I got pissed. I'm not that weak. I mean, I don't have many issues with my looks since I have accepted what I've got and that I will not change it and am fine with it. But the one issue I do have, is my upper arms. They are very large. And not from fat, but from muscles. I'm very tiny in length, thus people doesn't take me as very strong - even though I truly am stronger than what people believe I am. So really, my strength isn't my issue just because I'm small in size compared to the rest of the men I work with. The issue is the working environment which is possible to improve to put less of a strain on my body and avoid lifting such a large amount which really shouldn't be needed in this matter - when really I could just put everything into the trail or whatever I may have on the tractor right away. Plus I would save so much more time since I wouldn't have to go away and empty my bucket every 30 minutes when it's full and not even't be able to fit everything I can clear during those 30 minutes into the bucket. Plus, if I were to say that I can't clear the weeds because someone else has to come and carry it up into the car for me, would most definitely mean that I won't get to keep my job. My neck which I've got problems with and which is permanently damaged for the rest of my life since the car accident nearly two years ago (and walked around for more than half a year in pain because of it); can easily fall back into the hurting if I work incorrectly and with the wrong ergonomi. It's hurting again. And it's gone even worse over the days since last week, I were supposed to clean here at home - but I'm unable to because I'm too exhausted from the pain. And I don't ever want to go back to that pain on full time ever again, it's one of the most dreadful types of pain that I know. Ever since I got home, all I've done is to cry. I know it doesn't change a thing and I know it's not the solution for the issue. But at least I can let my feelings out when no one sees or hear me. Both from the pain which has really bothered me today and made me emotionally unstable. Both from me having thoughts that I need to apply for other jobs instead, and it's so exhausting and frustrating to do it, especially when and if you already loose too much strength at work from things which aren't all that great, have a household to care for and deadlines to keep. Part of me don't want to have to switch jobs again. But I don't think I'm brave enough to dare saying something again to someone who could make a difference at work, since I fear that I only will get to hear that "you can't do it since you're weak and not a large man with loads of muscles". When that, as said, isn't the issue. Surely I'm not as strong as men. But neither am I weak so I can't do it. It's ergonomically incorrect to work the way I did last week - and that I know for a fact since I've taken many courses over the years and know how I ought to work personally because of the damage in my neck and how everyone should work no matter what gender they have. So yes, all in all, I'm scared and I have had those thoughts about trying to get a new job again ... But at the same time I wouldn't know what job that would be. Since I know it is insanely hard to get a job as a gardener. Because everyone who applies for them here believes it's a simple job, you can slack off and do nothing without anyone noticing, can sit in a tractor and play with the phone all day long without lifting a muscle and so forth. And those are usually the ones getting the jobs because they're older and have more experience than me, so that I who want to actually work and refuse to sit still and do nothing all day, have no chance. This is the first time I see snowflakes in May, and here in Sweden we barely get any snow during the winter anymore. Last summer was the warmest one here in Sweden for nearly a hundred years, this one will apparently turn out just as hot; if not even warmer. I have found myself crying because of things kids in the next generation has said. I may not live for as long as they will, but I may live at least 35 years more if I'm lucky (with all of my setbacks in terms of allergies in mind). And I do not wish for the world to end anytime soon. So last Friday night when I couldn't sleep, I did one thing that I have wished to do for the longest time (but haven't been able to for various reasons). Donated money to WWF. Two days ago, I did what I have wanted to do since I helped WWF some when I was a kid, I signed up to be a monthly donator. It may not be a great amount, but it's the least I can do for the nature and its animals. I will give up what luxuries I may buy for the money I now donate to them instead. In truth, it will only help my health in the long term, since really - it's bad habits that I wish to be rid of. And by turning them into a good habit, it's going to be something I don't feel shameful about. For I am done doing nothing and merely being a by-passer. I am done crying when I see the horrible things happening with our Mother Earth and its inhabitants. I am done having my astma attacks which comes from stress and panic attacks, that I get when I hear and see things related to it. Today I haver cared for my plants (for caring for them makes me relaxed and I somewhat meditate while I do it, or something ... I think about absolutely nothing, which is really relaxing since I always, ALWAYS, think about things. So caring for plants is healthy for both them and healthy for me. Guess you can grasp now why I have hundreds of plats in my tiny apartment) and I also sewed a pillowcase based on a pattern I made back in 2012 that only takes 30 minutes to finish sewing. Or well, it only takes that long if you choose to not decorate it. Today I decorated mine, thus it took a while more to finish it. I've been lurking around here the past few days, updating, proof reading some things, and such behind the scene. I guess I took a small break from writing, but I still keep on thinking about the story and I believe I need to keep working with it soon ... Yet at the same time I need to get back to work with the book of poetry. And also start to decide if I'm going to make a new outer tunic for my archery clothing before June 6 or if I'm going with something else for the medieval market. Hello again dear diary, it's me. The one and only. The forgotten, the lost and dweller of shadows. Have you missed me? I believe you didn't notice my absence. It's nothing out of the ordinary that I go missing over a couple of weeks, even months. For that is what I do when I don't feel like showing myself. As written in the previous update. I didn't stay at my previous job. But anyhow, in all my silence I didn't die or break completely. I simply applied for 20 jobs within 8 days and then I went to several job interviews after that. The bottomline is, I do have a job now. Perhaps not fully as a gardener, even though it's partly that. Mostly it's as a superintendent. In the beginning I felt really lost and felt like I had taken the wrong path in my life. But as weeks passed, turned out it's mostly since I don't know the areas and don't know how to do many of the things that a superintendent is supposed to do. I'm really only good with plants, bushes, trees, cutting grass, picking trash and driving tractors (even though I still have so much to learn with those parts too). But even now as I do know some of the areas better than those who's worked there for longer than me, I still have days of doubt. Is this really the right path I'm currently threading down? I miss driving tractors and I feel like I lost a part of what makes me "me" with that. And I miss working outdoors in the dirt as much as I used to. So I really don't know, if I ought to get another job instead ... But at the same time I remember the days when it's really so much fun working and I remind myself that if I worked with a job (cleaning the staircases and entrance halls) which literally killed me one day at a time from the inside out. Then I surely can work with something that's only half of what my heart longs for and a job that doesn't slowly kill me. Perhaps I could find some other way of still having tractors in my life and being outdoors while I work ... Let's say if I were to finally find a house or a small farm. Anyway, with that aside, I work, I live and I still breathe. It takes more than treating me like a piece of garbage for me to lie down and give up completely. They don't know the art of truly breaking someone who's always refused to break completely. I've put up a deadline, still not an exact date as of now. But after the changes I made to my book of poetry - it is now going to be a series of three books of poetry. The first part I have decided to publish no later than mid June this upcoming summer. Which is both very scary and exiting at the same time. For I know that those who are well known poets and who's been in the "business" for a long while will without a doubt look down on me if they ever were to find me. I'm not one to blend into the crowd, to put it simple. But still, I intend to truly become a poet now. The time is now and it is my turn. After that, I intend to start my own company sometime this upcoming autumn. I have put it on hold for ten years now, so it's about time to get started. It's something I haven't dared to think about for many years now, I've always been the shy and silent person who's preferred not to be seen ... But lately I've proven to myself time and time again at my new job that I'm capable of being brave and going out of my comfort zone. I challenge myself outside my comfort zone on a daily basis now. Doing things I truthfully don't dare to do in my spare time. And what do I know, perhaps that is the path I am supposed to take now in my life. But I'm not sure, I've long since abandoned the thought of running my own business as my only income. I get art blocks too easily, I get writer blocks too easily and thus I partly have this website to write about my characters when I have such blocks. Though this company I have in mind, might just be two. I'm not quite sure, but for now I shall simply have it as one in my mind And oh, the best news of them all!I've finally managed to save all I lost in my old computer! It took more than a year of trying, but finally it has all been saved! I'm so happy!! My photos, my written work and all of my on-going digital illustrations (such as Shizuka's reference for one thing), all of it, has been saved!
So now I merely need to borrow an old PC from someone, install SAI on it and my tablet and then I can finally finish all my illustrations that I lost! My body is stressed out. As is my mind. Both of them keeps on worrying, both of them keeps on making me feel a tad "under the weather". I get bad headaches reaching from my forehead, to the ears, to the back of the head and down into the neck ... All because I worry if I will get to stay at my job. The higher ups has until January 30 to come and say that I won't get to stay ... If they come after that and say it, they are breaking some laws and yeah ... I won't be so happy if they do. And I won't allow them to behave like that. I'm also in the process of putting my apartment in the pre-selling-stage - or what we should call it. I haven't mentioned it here fully ... But since I dealt with the pain in my neck and the job-issues and those things finally calmed down. I started to realize more and more, oh well, I realized it even during the spring last year (so it was even during the time my neck was bad and my job issues were bad) ... However, it wasn't until last autumn I accepted the truth. I love my apartment and my closest neighbors so much, the area looks beautiful and is quite nice. Despite those feelings, this is not the right place for me. The energies in the nature around here feels off for me, it's only one tiny spot that I've found it to be nice so far. And I am afraid of going out once it's dark (yes, I'm odd, I've no problems walking around after the dark out on the countryside or in the forest, but I do here in the city - it's far more people here that are quite ... Aggressive ...) and feel uncomfortable going out after I get home from work due to some people living here ... Which is bad for me, since I'm a person who needs to be able to go out and take a walk in the forest whenever I feel like it. I need the closeness of nature. It's my energy source when mine's run low and I'm by no means a city person. I feel so suffocated here and I need to get out to the countryside to a small house in the middle of nowhere with lots of nature close to me. Which is why I decided to put up my apartment in the pre-selling stage to see if anyone would be interested in it. Though, I haven't found nor bought a new place to call "home" yet ... And truthfully, I may have to wait until I'm completely sure that I get to keep my job. So now you know, at least a little, of why I went quiet again. I simply need my time alone when I'm not feeling completely okay. I shall at least try to cure my feeling of being suffocated this upcoming weekend by heading out for a long hiking trip in the forest. I'm thinking about following the trail to the village where my parents live, it's supposed to be a cottage there that you can sleep in. So I'm hoping for it to be free so I can use it to stay the night there. |
C.S. VazchuA mere whisperer who utters their thoughts and art of dying. Categories
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