It may look finished at the bottom of this post, but it's not. More to come of this picture tomorrow, if I have the time. Which I probably will, once I've cleaned the apartment and baked the cake. Maeko belongs to me, Vaz. © Though, I have a shortage of promarkers, so her haircolour is wrong.
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I've been reading, re-reading, proof reading and writing and re-writing and changing throughout 2018 ... I've switched between my stories ever so often when I lost the inspiration - but found it elsewhere. I said to myself that I would have wanted to finish a story and be able to send it in to get it published by the end 2018 or early 2019. Things changed when my computer crashed just as I had the greatest flow in a long time with the first part of my series "The last legend". I wrote nearly 90 pages in a matter of one month before the computer crashed. It wasn't the story I had planned on finishing last year, since I know it's the longest one. I had hoped to find the inspiration for first and foremost my story known as "Tarnion", but I seem to be unable to find it. It's probably because I write it very differently from how I normally write. I've tried to write it with simpler words and not so ... Difficult. The storyline in itself is not really something I believe older people would read, not even people that are 14. I see the story as more suited as the point where children go from the very easy read books to the ones that are a tad thicker and more complex. So with that in mind I'm unable to have that steady flow with words as I always need to think about which word to choose instead of that one, etc. Not to mention that I don't write it in past tense, as I always do. For some reason I wanted to write the story as if it's happening right now. Part of me also had hoped to focus on "Tarnion", as I mentioned above. But also on my story known as "The Land of the Dead" ... That one too is rather short compared to the rest. But being in Sweden and that story is something I write in English, I will be unable to get it published here. So this in turn makes me feel very scared about trying to get it published in ... Let's say the UK ... I'm by far not the best when it comes to writing in English and I'm scared people can tell right away that I don't have English as my mother tongue. And that there's too many grammar errors for them to ever take me seriously. But all in all, what I wish to say with this, is simply that it's hard to stay in the plans I make when the inspiration disappears into another world and not into the one I want it to be in. I cannot control it. So I cannot set a plan for myself that "this is the story I want to focus on getting published first". The one thing I should be able to do is to do the finishing changes and touches to my poems and focus on my book of poetry, which I also have in the closest stage to being "done". The problem with that one is that I have no intention what so ever to make the book in a way that other poets does it. Poets has the mindset that their poems speaks for themselves and shouldn't be together with illustrations or photos. For the poem itself is supposed to be a picture as well. I don't share that mindset, in a way I do. But me as a graphic designer sees nothing wrong with texts and pictures belonging together. I've often worked like that with my poems, to make them belong together with something else ... So I doubt anyone of the publishers and other poets here in Sweden ever will be okay with my mindset regarding it. Which will lead to me needing to publish it on my own. I won't change my mind, I'm gonna do my thing and that's it, they cannot stop me. So if it means I have to go down the tougher path, bring it on. The only thing that truly stops me from actually doing the finishing touches to that book of poetry, is the simple fact that I don't have the programs I need to fullfil it at this time. I lost them with my old computer and I lost many of my side notes and other parts of the project. I could of course focus on finishing the poems completely, but for the rest I will have to wait. Still, I have decided that too much time has passed since the book me and my classmates published back in 2015. It is time for something on my own and I've decided to fight for it to happen. No matter which one of them it ends up being, it is time to become an author for real. Just the same way it's time for me to work for getting this website finished at last, it has taken too long. "Only" four years later after I started ... Originally 151 characters from the beginning. Currently unknown number of characters. These are the ones I've finished the goal of writing 1000 words for each and added it to this website. There are some which has their written work finished other than these, but they won't be added as completely finished until I've added it to the website.
Colour meaning, which year they were finishedPink = 2015 Blue = 2016 Red = 2017 Green = 2018 Purple = 2019 Yellow = 2021 Current amount of finished characters this year; 2
To think that another year has passed. I apologize for my silence since September here. I have been working my ass off, trying my hardest to prove that I want to stay and want to be good enough and learn what needs to be learned at work. I have been working with my stories behind the scenes and I still got no program to paint on the computer. And all the files from my old one are still lost, which partly is a reason why I haven't managed to get back to painting digitally again. I feel ashamed over many things regarding my creative interests ... They've had to suffer far too much these past few years ... And I'm a very sensitive person, so the slightest change in my mood affects all the things I want to do, all the things I need to do. So I know if I were to keep going when I'm feeling down - it won't do me any good. I've way too high standards on myself. Part of me is thinking about applying to an art class to be honest, perhaps it will help me gain some knowledge in how to deal with art blocks and to not let my mood control the creative side of me. And I'm probably gonna look for taking music classes too. Because I recently bought a new instrument. But we will see which one I do first. For now I wish to say that I've actually at last truly finished all the written things for Sahariel's page here on the website. Surely I will need to proof read it a couple of times from now on, since I haven't done that yet. But now it's only to get the time to draw more pictures to lighten up all the text about him. I had forgotten what it was like waking up in the morning and being happy it's a weekday. I had forgotten how it felt like to love doing your job. I had forgotten time flies when you feel at the top of your game. I love my life.
I am proud I had the courage to change everything in my life, the courage to take the leap into the unknown. It was the best thing I have done. It's like I only have Monday and Friday over and over again, every week flies by so quickly that I can hardly keep track of them. I honestly have lost count how many weeks I have been working with my dream job now. I'm in charge of one of the tractors (his name is Wille) and I still have lots to learn, but I have already learned a lot. All in all, I'm happier than what I have been in a very long time and I can't wait to go to work. It's even "so bad" that I don't want to have weekends, haha. Three days from now the last lines of chapter four of the story called "my life" will have been written down in the sand of time. Three days from now I will have vacation at last, to regain the strenght I have lost and prepare myself.
Three days from now chapter five takes its beginning. I have dismissed myself from my work as a household technican and I am done being discriminated. I have signed the papers and at August 13 I will begin my dreamjob as a gardener, and I have decided to no longer feel like this company is the Place for me ... Surely there are people I will miss, people I'm happy that I won't have to see again and places I will regret leaving behind. But for once I have decided to put my own well-being first and foremost. During my vacation I will be working though. I have lots of work to do with my book of poetry and my stories that I'm writing; since I'm behind schedule due to my computer trouble. But I also intend to hike in the forests, get back and catch up with my archery (I have had to put it on hold for too long), help my brother some with his house (the garden and painting the house itself), fix some things on my cars, photograph and do some work as a graphic designer. Hopefully I am also going to paint and draw some, most likely trying out doing some commissions (yes, you read it right. At last I have decided to do it, after years of people asking me about it - and I am really exited about it. And if it doesn't happen during my vacation, it will happen soon after it). But for now, I have three days left to last at this work of mine which slowly has been killing me. Until then, be well my dear friends~ So a couple of months ago I applied for a job as a gardener at another company. Last Wednesday they called me and said I can have the job if I want it. Surely it's only for 6 months as of now ... But if I'm good enough it's gonna be forever.
So I went ahead to ask the company I'm currently working at if they have a job as a gardener to offer me instead, else I'm gonna leave (even though I honestly in some ways don't want to. Like the part with if I just change job within the company - I won't have to be jobless later if they believe I'm not good enough. And in terms of it being some people and the clothes and such that I very much want to keep being with and keep having) ... And my boss seems to not be very keen on letting me stay and work as a gardener. Honestly I feel like he can suit himself then; because he cannot blame me when he's the one choosing to try getting four new people asap and not just three. For if I leave; I'm gonna leave by the end of next week and have vacation until I start my new job at August 13. So he'd have to put someone at my job by the next few weeks. If I get to stay as a gardener however, I'm just gonna take vacation during the three weeks I've said I will, which are week 30-32. And then when I've had those three weeks vacation, start as a gardener. So yeah, it's honestly up to my boss how he would want it and how much work he wants to do. And as far as I'm aware he's the kind of man who wants as little as possible to do since he's getting old. For me it does not matter at this point. I have managed to get through the worst moments in not wanting to leave the company, but I've come to terms with that I'm so done. For too long I've suffered. For too long I've been at my breakingpoint, but still kept trying. For too long I've tried and tried and tried. For too long I've felt dead instead. I refuse to keep living the way I have for the past year, for I have had enough trying to pretend I'm fine. I'm completely done with the fourth chapter of my life and I'm ready to begin chapter five. How I begin it, is up to my boss and if he cannot (or says that he has "no other job" to) give me an answer by the afternoon on this upcoming Tuesday, I will accept the job offer I got at the other company. My mind is made up and I'm ready to take my chance to be happy and feel alive again. I beg your pardon about not updating and not informing you what has been going on as of late ... Thus I shall do it now.
My computer has died, I barely had it for three years and it already broke. So far it's beyond repair and all my files are trapped in it as I had not had time to copy and move everything to my external hard drive ... So I'm very depressed about it, since all my newest photos, all my digital drawings and lots of other files has been lost. So with that said, I do have an old computer which I got to work for some small things, but I cannot draw nor can I use most websites because it's not possible to update it to a newer OS nor to update the browsers. I shall try to get this sorted out as soon as possible, but I can't say when this will be. Also some parts in my life is not all that well and I feel like shit very often. I need to get myself together at some point ... The doctor told me to do things that makes me happy, but that's easier said than done sometimes ... Since I get so exhuasted from my work and have barely no strenght at all when I get home. Sometimes I have my moments when I work more traditionally than what I do digitally. I have one of those moments now. To bring the canvas with me; go to a place which doesn't really have to be my desk if I don't feel like sitting (or can't because of the pain in my neck) makes me feel so free. Alas I'm not the best when it comes to acrylics so I don't feel confident enough to try painting any of my characters with them ... Trust me, I tried making one of Shizuka right after I finished the painting shown above - the background turned out nice, but she did not. Thus I threw the entire canvas away, lol.
However, painting stuff like the one I made most recently is relaxing and puts my messy mind at ease ... I feel as if I can let all the chaos just take form on the canvas and that I don't have to care if it turns out okay or not. Life is messy and art can be anything that you choose. Someday I might learn how to truly paint, but for now ... I'm satisfied with just my colourmesses and that I'm gonna build a frame for this one. Even though they might not be the hardest things to paint - I have ended up liking those I've made so far a lot. So for me art isn't better just because it's harder to create, art is better if it means something to you. So I suppose I needn't say that the life is as it has been for quite a while regarding my job and such. Pain, sturggling with the loss of strenght to do just about everything when I get home.
But other than that I've been forcing myself to work a lot of overtime this week, today is Friday and the last day of it, after this I have four days off work to regain my strenght during. I'm planning to get out in the forest at some point, for the forest is my one true energy giver. Last Monday I started my archery lessons, which was so much fun and I learned so many things I didn't know before! So now I only need to apply it to my skills of doing archery. I got the first few answers from last week when I got a needle in my arm that sucked out some of my blood. I'm still having a too high amount of gluten in my body, which is disturbing since I haven't eaten gluten since 2017 ... And then I'm most likely also allergic to wheat, so me who already have a hard time coming by food - suddenly got it a whole lot harder. Just lovely, ey? Then it was only just yesterday that I went to the hospital again to get some answers. And I did. I've now gotten the answer that I do have ADHD, but I still need to get a diagnose so I can get some help with the things I can't handle in this life of mine. But it feels so good to finally know and to have taken two steps on this journey. Now I merely need to keep taking one step at a time to get further. Anyhow, what I was getting at, it's because of issues going on in my life that I've been a tad off when it comes to everything I love to do. And it feels very bad since I really do want to be able to work and finish this website at some point. So at some point, a not to distant point, be able to sit and work with this website for at least a moment each day ... I'd say now at least 10 minutes or so, for in ten minutes I could transfer a lot of texts here or write new ones. But up to an hour a day would also be nice ... Sadly, for now I simply feel a need to focus on getting my outside life straight. For when it's messy and uncontrollable I can't handle other things the way I'd like to. Thus I apologize, for everything that has been and everything which is yet to come. |
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